Roman origin myth as put down in Virgil’s the Aenen

Decended from the transplanted Trojan prince Aeneas after the fall of Troy. He landed in Latium and and his people intermixed with the locals.

Bam, historical street cred to the Greeks, as well as some Latin spice.

Aeneas founded Alba Longa which was ruled by a dynasty of 12 kings. The 2^nd was Ascanius, and the 13^th was Numitor. He was usurped by nearby king. Rhea Silva, Numitor’s niece, is placed in a convent as a Vestal Virgin to prevent her from bearing an heir and interfering with the usurpation. It looks like it’s a wrap for the Alban dynasty.

Luckly, the God Mars comes along and rapes her. Unfortunate to be sure, but on the other hand, this may be the most important and meritorious rape in history. Why?

The product of this surprise sex are the twins Romulus and Remus. Raising half-gods is a challenging enough, but when you add to the equation the rape resent a Rhea Silva would have felt towards them, you can understand her decision to discard the infants in the Tiber river. And die they would have, if it weren’t for the she-wolf which suckled them to life. Yes.

As half-gods raised by wolves, Romulus and Remus are quite remarkable, so they are practically duty bound to do the remarkable thing and overthrow the usurper and restore Numitor to the thrown. Maybe they wanted to finally earn mommy’s love?

Virgil quotes the usuper after his overthrow: “And my plan would have worked if it weren’t for the pesky Mars and his propensity for raping virgins…as well as the she-wolf’s propensity for raising upstanding individuals. Fuck.”

The story doesn’t end there. Romulus kills Remus and goes on to found Rome, probably because he feared his name would be lost to history without a namesake. And to make sure Rome was an important part of history, he invited criminals and cutthroats to settle in it. So they did.

Then, discovering the reluctance of women to come join the likely-rapefest, Romulus does what any man would do in response: he kidnaps them. Let us not imply Romulus was a crude half-god, and please, no liberal psycho-babble about him being the product of a rape, raised in wolf foster care (as if that justifies kidnapping). Romulus is crafty and practical, so he invites the nearby Sabine tribe to join the Romans for some games. During a footrace the Romans stop and kidnap all the women. And the Sabine men go home.

But the Sabine men plot revenge and rescue. Not-so-urgent rescue. Years later, they lay siege to Rome and demand their damsels. The Sabine women run out into the fray and call for peace before blood is shed. “If Rome wins we lose our fathers and brothers! If Sabine wins we lose our husbands! Oh such distress!” [Limp-wrist to forehead. Damsel twirl. Faint.] Romulus quickly arranges peace.

This is all bared out by archeological evidence, in case you were wondering.

300 Movie Review

300 is the movie on everyone's mind. Some people claim it is a shallow excuse to glorify violence. They point to hollow characters and a simple plot which leaves the film nothing more than a collection of combat and glory-making scenes. Others claim shut the fuck up it kicks ass.

Are the characters shallow and one dimensional? Clearly they have at least two dimensions, since every character is both able to spit one-liners and thrust spears. Limiting the emotional connection between the viewer and the onscreen characters may have some practical use as well, since it better enables the writers to kill everyone the fuck off. Thus you are able to leave the theatre composed and collected without the person next to you having a case of the Lifetimes. While you may be able to find more character development on the back of a milk carton, 300’s spear chucking monkeys don’t pose any obstacle to the plot marching on.

Some have claimed the plot consists entirely of two events: Leonidas’ private guard versus Xerxes’ army and an ineffectual subplot involving the queen, the guy who tricks her into having sex and the resultant Jerry Springeramus show in front of the Spartan Council. I ask you fair reader, is this a simple plot composed merely of violence on one hand and sex on the other? Or is it a diacritical weaving of disparate threads which span the gamut of human existence and demonstrate the skill and ability of its writers?

The plot is simple. Persia is coming, and it’s going to kick your ass if you don’t run…naked to a barren mountain pass and die defending it. But within this simple premise is a trove of Western philosophy. Self-sacrifice, determination, honor, beauty, personal freedom. Of course, Sparta was a fascist slave state and this is how nuance is included into the narrative. So how did western ideals fare against their Eastern competition in evil, ugliness, and horrendous military tactics? All the Spartans die. I guess in this one instance the film makers are relying on your knowledge of history that the Greeks eventually repelled Xerxes.

It’s understandable they would die though, because they are but 300 Spartans and a few hundred more pansy Greeks against an army of thousands. And they fight not only Persian slaves, but hashish smokers (complete with hash pots), elephants, goblins, demons, trolls, and the entire cast of Lord of the Rings. Here Xerxes shows the power and strength of his voice by allying Saruman and Sauron to his cause. I suppose taking this liberty with history is to emphasize said theme therein. To their advantage, the Spartans wield bullet time and capes.

In the end, it plays as a 90 minute army advertisement, where masculinity is upheld in the face of danger, ostensibly to the betterment of the individual. And, like in the Army, you die, forgotten to everyone except those you killed and those you fought with. Except for the king, he gets a monument.

The problem is that while we can suspend our belief and accept the Persians as evil demons, we cannot accept the Spartans as their angelic opposites. No matter how hard the film portrays them to be heroes, we can’t forget that death-cults, while sounding cool, kind of suck. The Japanese fought to the death for almost every inch of Pacific soil, and our educated minds can’t call that bad and then turn around and accept it when idealized by the Spartans. A militaristic society which prizes skill in violence and militarism is fascist, and unless you’ve never heard of that term before, you won’t be able to turn off that goddamn critical thinking while watching the movie. It’s good the Spartans care about their fellow Spartans and are so brave in the face of such numbers. It sucks that they’re not even close to the pinnacle of human existence I want to root for.

It’s really a pathetic film except for the abs and effects. But the abs and effects are really good.