300 Movie Review

300 is the movie on everyone's mind. Some people claim it is a shallow excuse to glorify violence. They point to hollow characters and a simple plot which leaves the film nothing more than a collection of combat and glory-making scenes. Others claim shut the fuck up it kicks ass.

Are the characters shallow and one dimensional? Clearly they have at least two dimensions, since every character is both able to spit one-liners and thrust spears. Limiting the emotional connection between the viewer and the onscreen characters may have some practical use as well, since it better enables the writers to kill everyone the fuck off. Thus you are able to leave the theatre composed and collected without the person next to you having a case of the Lifetimes. While you may be able to find more character development on the back of a milk carton, 300’s spear chucking monkeys don’t pose any obstacle to the plot marching on.

Some have claimed the plot consists entirely of two events: Leonidas’ private guard versus Xerxes’ army and an ineffectual subplot involving the queen, the guy who tricks her into having sex and the resultant Jerry Springeramus show in front of the Spartan Council. I ask you fair reader, is this a simple plot composed merely of violence on one hand and sex on the other? Or is it a diacritical weaving of disparate threads which span the gamut of human existence and demonstrate the skill and ability of its writers?

The plot is simple. Persia is coming, and it’s going to kick your ass if you don’t run…naked to a barren mountain pass and die defending it. But within this simple premise is a trove of Western philosophy. Self-sacrifice, determination, honor, beauty, personal freedom. Of course, Sparta was a fascist slave state and this is how nuance is included into the narrative. So how did western ideals fare against their Eastern competition in evil, ugliness, and horrendous military tactics? All the Spartans die. I guess in this one instance the film makers are relying on your knowledge of history that the Greeks eventually repelled Xerxes.

It’s understandable they would die though, because they are but 300 Spartans and a few hundred more pansy Greeks against an army of thousands. And they fight not only Persian slaves, but hashish smokers (complete with hash pots), elephants, goblins, demons, trolls, and the entire cast of Lord of the Rings. Here Xerxes shows the power and strength of his voice by allying Saruman and Sauron to his cause. I suppose taking this liberty with history is to emphasize said theme therein. To their advantage, the Spartans wield bullet time and capes.

In the end, it plays as a 90 minute army advertisement, where masculinity is upheld in the face of danger, ostensibly to the betterment of the individual. And, like in the Army, you die, forgotten to everyone except those you killed and those you fought with. Except for the king, he gets a monument.

The problem is that while we can suspend our belief and accept the Persians as evil demons, we cannot accept the Spartans as their angelic opposites. No matter how hard the film portrays them to be heroes, we can’t forget that death-cults, while sounding cool, kind of suck. The Japanese fought to the death for almost every inch of Pacific soil, and our educated minds can’t call that bad and then turn around and accept it when idealized by the Spartans. A militaristic society which prizes skill in violence and militarism is fascist, and unless you’ve never heard of that term before, you won’t be able to turn off that goddamn critical thinking while watching the movie. It’s good the Spartans care about their fellow Spartans and are so brave in the face of such numbers. It sucks that they’re not even close to the pinnacle of human existence I want to root for.

It’s really a pathetic film except for the abs and effects. But the abs and effects are really good.